


How long has it been since you slept

by Bienmoreau



Series: Signs of Progress [4]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Jeans first year at USC has a lot of ups and downs but he’s getting through it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2020-08-20 22:40:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20235541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bienmoreau/pseuds/Bienmoreau
Summary: Songzichens asked: jerejean + “How long has it been since you’ve slept?”___________It wasn’t often that anyone saw this side of Jeremy Knox, let alone Jean.But here they were, Jean hovering in the doorway, Jeremy hunched at the little kitchen table, gripping the stone-cold mug that held his morning coffee. The evening gloom making what was normally so vibrant and welcoming look washed out and cold. Jeremy hadn’t bothered turning on the lights or, more likely Jean thought, hadn’t needed to when he sat down and hadn’t noticed it getting dark around him as the day dragged on.





	How long has it been since you slept

It wasn’t often that anyone saw this side of Jeremy Knox, let alone Jean.

But here they were, Jean hovering in the doorway, Jeremy hunched at the little kitchen table, gripping the stone-cold mug that held his morning coffee. The evening gloom making what was normally so vibrant and welcoming look washed out and cold. Jeremy hadn’t bothered turning on the lights or, more likely Jean thought, hadn’t needed to when he sat down and hadn’t noticed it getting dark around him as the day dragged on.   
  
Jean let out a heavy sigh after a while concluding that Jeremy wasn’t going to notice him on his own. Clearing his throat he pulled out the chair opposite.  
“Jeremy?”  
The smaller boy jerked to attention at the sound of his name and raised his head to meet Jean’s eyes, a pained frown forming between his own.   
“oh, hey Jean- I uh, didn’t hear you come in.” his expression pulled even grimmer as he clenched his jaw, dropping his gaze and focusing on his coffee.   
Jean kept his gaze steady, it was obvious that Jeremy wasn’t okay but Jean had little practice caring for others and no experience of dealing with someone he would tentatively call his friend looking so small and uncertain in front of him. It simply wasn’t what he had become accustomed to since joining the Trojans ranks nearly half a year ago.   
With a steadying breath, Jeremy looked up again, “about last night-” 

It hadn’t been good.   
Jeremy knew he’d messed up as soon as Sara grabbed his arm, worming her way through the mass of bodied in the basement. Her grim and slightly worried expression confirmed it for him before she even got the chance to shout over the noise of the music and drunk students.   
“LAILA’S TAKEN JEAN HOME. JEREMY, HE DIDN’T LOOK GOOD.”  
Everything slowed around him as Sara’s words sunk in. Jean.   
_Shit of course!_   
There had been an unprecedented amount of people at the party that night. More than there was ever meant to be in the basement of the dorm tower. The Stickball Swing, as the volleyball girls had dubbed their little mid-season party for the exy team, had always been an invite only for the two teams and the players plus-ones, the perfect casual step up from the few non-compulsory team socials Jeremy had been able to get Jean to attend up to now. But this year someone had leaked the date and time. Before they knew it, the basement was packed, the press of bodies pushing Jeremy further away from where he had been standing with Jean, Laila and Sara.   
Of course it had been too much for Jean, he had already looked uncomfortable making his way down the stairs underground. _STUPID STUPID STUPID! _Jeremy berated himself as he shoved his way back out to the entrance. How could he have been such an idiot! They had been making such good progress and he was doing well at keeping on top of the things Jean wouldn’t be able to deal with. He _had_ been. But it had been a hard season so far and as much of an asset Jean was to them the team dynamic was still a little precarious. He had been so caught up in working out the best course for his post grad plans and finalising his midterm project focus-   
He’d just wanted a night off.   
  
But at what cost?  
  
Guilt ridden and suddenly bone heavy with exhaustion, Jeremy headed straight for his and Jean’s dorm but there was no sign of either Jean or Laila. It wouldn’t have been obvious to a casual observer, Jeremy had trained himself to keep his public face back in high school, but a level of base panic was settling in his gut. The next stop at Laila and Alvarez’s own dorm also had no result.   
In the quiet of the empty corridor Jeremy let himself a brief moment of frustration, at the idiot who leaked the party plans, at he season being harder than he’d expected, at the challenge Jean presented the team not unexpected or the mans fault but still hard to manage on top of everything else that came with being in his final year. But mostly at himself; for dropping the ball, for putting Jean in such a situation in the first place, for not thinking it through or seeing it coming, for letting his own want for a night off from it all undo the progress Jean had been making. Thumping his hand against the wall, hard, he cursed and turned on his heel trying to think where else to check for his friends.   
  
He was supposed to be better than this. What was the point of the years he’d put into making himself into the person he was today if he didn’t come though when it mattered. When it was his friends he hurt or let down. When it was Jean. 

His search seemed endless and endlessly fruitless. He’d gone through all the places he could think of, going so far as to run all over campus checking the court, library and even going all the way over to the studios to see if there was a chance they were open and Laila and Jean where inside. Nothing.   
His phone had died at some point and it was only knowing how much it would make everything worse in the long run that stopped him from lobbing it as far as he could from the bank at the edge of the beach.   
That was the last place he looked, slumping down onto his haunches and letting out a heavy sigh he tipped forward to lean on the railing and watched in numb indifference as the sun rose over the sea.

He trudged back to his doom in grim silence, kicking at rocks and tufts of coarse grass on the side of the road and kicking himself for the whole situation. Guilt and exhaustion warring for witch could win out as the first of his tangled emotions to make him cry.   
  
He fumbled his keys before finally getting the door open and stumbling into the chill morning light of the empty dorm. Scrubbing his hands over his face he dropped his keys and long dead phone onto the shelf by the door and made his way into the kitchen to make a coffee, determined to wait for Jean to come home, for him to be able to apologise and see for himself that Jean was okay.

—————————

Jean didn’t know what to do with Jeremy like this, he looked small, smaller than Jean had ever though he could. Small and cold and… scared?   
Jean didn’t understand but he knew he didn’t like it. 

—————–

The party had been a disaster sure, but it wasn’t Jeremy’s fault. Laila had got them both out of there quick enough for it not to be too bad. But he had still been badly shaken and couldn’t breathe properly for a while, darkness edging into his vision as Laila pushed people out of their way as fast as she could to get him out into the cool night air. Once they were there and she had him looking up at the clear winter sky he’d got it back under control.   
They walked around for a while, Laila making small conversation and just letting Jean know that she was there and he was okay. They stopped to buy tea from a vending machine and watched the sunrise reflecting off the huge studio windows behind the art block. Then made their way home and found Sara waiting for them with the news that Jeremy wasn’t in his and Jeans room or answering his phone and that it was decided that Jean would sleep on their sofa so he didn’t have to go back to the empty dorm. 

That was hours ago. Jean had surprised himself with how long he slept. Clearly this whole transfer has been taking it out of him more than he was letting on even to himself. Sara went out and got them all a late lunch once he was up.   
It was already starting to get dark by the time their conversation lulled enough for Jean to excuse himself. 

———

“How long has it been since you’ve slept?”   
Jeans voice came out quieter than he’d expected, softer. Jeremy looked grey in mood and complexion as he met Jeans eyes. He swallowed thickly and reached up to touch his cheek as if only just realising what he must look like. 

“oh, umm.. I haven’t” he blinked a few times and managed to focus his gaze on his coffee again before frowning at its tepidity and pushing unsteadily to his feet, wobbling and having to drop his free hand to the table top almost immediately but Jean was already on his feet and leaning across the space between them holding out a steadying hand.

“Jere-” he started, a new tinge of worry in his tone but Jeremy stepped away shaking his head

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry Jean I didn’t mean for that to happen. It should have been okay, it though it would be okay but I- I just wanted a night off. I’m sorry I should have known better, it was selfish of me and I put you in a situation I never should have, I should be better, as your captain I should have taken more care.” His voice dropped to a cracked whisper and he buried one side of his face in his hand as he rubbed at his eye “I should have done better- as your friend -and I’m sorry”

Jean expression froze as he tried to work out what to do with the situation in front of him but only for a moment before he rounded the table and carefully took the mug out of Jeremy shaking hand and put it down. Reaching out again he tentatively turned the shorter man to face him ducking slightly to meet his eyes. There was a soft clarity to his voice that Jean had never heard from himself before when he spoke again.  
  
“Jeremy, I’m okay. It wasn’t good and I don’t know how bad it could have been if Laila hadn’t got me out of there, but she did, so I’m okay. And it wasn’t your fault. Jeremy, I don’t blame you for this. You need to sleep. You’ve been awake for nearly 30 hours. And this wasn’t your fault so I don’t blame you. It’s okay. I’m okay.”

It struck him as he watched Jeremy come back to himself a little and nod slowly at what Jean had said, that it felt like the truth to him, in that moment it felt like it really was okay.  
He knew this wasn’t it, that the shadows and demons and nightmares that plagued him and the anger and fear that gripped his lungs and poisoned his blood on some days weren’t gone, hell, they’d nearly gotten the better of him again only hours earlier. But here in this little kitchen that slowly seemed to get brighter as Jeremy’s grey shroud of guilt and regret lifted. In front of Jeremy who had seemed like a figure of such unbearable light in those early days, such a foreign thing from Jean’s understanding of the world, but now that he looked again he saw the sunrise that he and Laila had watched, and felt the same feeling of calm it had brought him after the crowded basement.  
As Jeremy let out a sigh so heavy with relief that it was tangible and finally, finally, smiled Jean realised that in that moment he really was okay.


End file.
